- Alcohol
- Faith
How a Christian, health-conscious, educating mom became involved with her “secret” alcoholic lover until he almost killed her. Words cannot express how grateful I am to have a new life. I have been asked to give my testimony and I am now ready to tell my story if it will help someone who is hopelessly struggling with alcohol or other addictions.
I came through this eight year nightmare and barely made it out alive, and nightmare is no exaggeration. There is nothing worse than being in a hopeless situation and quietly dying without anyone to help or understand. I was just quietly killing myself until alcohol got so out of control that others began to notice with horror. Once the damage was done and it became quite obvious all around me.
I managed to hide it for about four years. I didn’t start drinking heavily until I was about 48 years old. In fact, I was in church living what I thought to be a very godly life. I had obtained a Master’s degree in Education, I had two children, and I was playing music in church functions. I had a great jewelry business going and I had been married for over 20 years. Life was pretty good. I was respected in the community, I had taught school, ran a business, and almost raised two great children. I had arrived at some Christian euphoric plateau. At least that is what I thought. I had a little extra money to spend, a house in the country and a little security. Yes, life as it seemed was pretty good.
I was holding on to my world that I had created with the “Little House on the Prairie” expectations. Until one day, one at a time all of the little pieces shattered and Humpty Dumpty came crashing to the floor. I never even realized the magnitude of the destruction that was to be left behind until, one day, God was able to put all of the discarded shattered pieces back again into something even more beautiful.
It all began pretty much when my ex-husband and I started to play music (he played guitar and I played wooden alto recorder). We played for numerous weddings, country clubs, etc. I am not a night person, so I was sitting down one evening in a fancy hunting lodge resort playing as usual. I played there for a few years. I was overly tired that evening and one of the nice, young waiters came over and asked me if I would like a glass of sparkling Chardonnay. I was kind of tickled, but everything was fun and I was tired. I said, “Why not?” Alcohol abuse had run deep within my family, but I thought I had my world together and it couldn’t harm me. It seemed to sit well with my husband, too. It was love at first sip! I felt elated, and because I was used to eating almost a sugar-free diet, it gave me an energy buzz like I had never encountered. Wow! I had become super queen. I had not felt that good since I was in some dance in high school.
Anyway, a few years went on and I met with my alcohol love, usually in the evenings after a “hard day” working on jewelry to give me a boost. Things began to change drastically in my little world of fantasy. My dad died, as well as a few of my best friends all at once. My small business was failing since the silver market had crashed. I owned American sterling silver. Things and relationships at home were out of control. My church situation was falling apart and my world was coming loose at the seams.
I had built up 48 years of success through many identity labels that I thought were the core of who I was. I was a mom. I was a Jeweler. I was a teacher. I was a wife. I was a musician. I was a Christian. I went to church. I had a Master’s degree. I was attractive. I was popular. I-I-I. I guess that I really began to change when I turned to “Mr. Chardonnay” and began an all-out love. I would get upset, and began to partake of his “fruit”(it also tasted good to me). I would commune with him and tell him off of my sorrows and woes. Amazingly, I was comforted. I was alone more and more so I was able to communicate with him more and more freely. He listened intently. No one else seemed to hear me and most of all, I was afraid that I would blow my little cover and reveal to all of my “fans” that my world was not as it appeared.
I first began to notice that those around me did not drink, and they thought that anyone that did drink were drunks. Boy, I couldn’t let them know about my little relationship with “Mr. Chardonnay”, it had to be kept secret. After all, who was it hurting anyway? I was hurting and he comforted me, and that was that! He was there for me. He listened to me. He made me feel good. That was all that I needed. I became angrier and angrier when I indulged a little too much and people began to notice. Who were they anyway to say anything about my lover, when they were “all -holics” as well. It was like the pot calling the kettle black. They could over-indulge in spending, overeating, gossiping, and taking their little pills, but they were pointing their fingers at me? What was that about? I had my relationship going on and that was all that I needed. I was lonely most of the time since the children were gone. My family was out of town and my ex-husband worked nonstop. I lived out in the country, so It became easier and easier for me to quietly carry on my relationship. I went out less and less because I didn’t believe in drinking and driving.
Chardonnay became my reward, my comfort, my companion, and my listener. When I began to have blackouts, he was there to tell me that all was well and everyone else was crazy. He even told me that it wouldn’t happen again. I just had too much going on and was having such a hard time at life. Just have another glass, honey, and you will feel much better. Now, I don’t have to tell you that I was in a full bloom relationship with this drink. I had little bottles hidden everywhere. I couldn’t wait to get up in the morning and have my “companion” make me feel better. So, as you can see, about the last four years of this relationship, I was slurring my words on the phone, and it became noticeable to everyone that I had a problem. I denied it for a couple of years, until I made a fool out of myself on a few occasions. People became less attracted to my new charisma and began to stay away.
I was in my early 50’s, and going through the “change” as well, which did not help. My looks were fading, my health was fading, I was gaining weight, and my relationship with the Lord had faded into almost oblivion. I had lost all of my self-respect and dignity.
I was under a tremendous amount of mental anguish, and I had literally lost my will to live. I really could not talk to anyone about the anger I had experienced from one heart ache after another. In fact, I thought that I was the reason that everything in my world had fallen apart as hard as I had tried to make this fairy tale world work the way it was supposed to. I totally thought that I was doomed to hell with a pair of gasoline drawers on. It was hopeless. I was hopeless. Life was hopeless. Everything was hopeless and there was no way out. This is the way that I was to end my life; without respect, sad, alone and condemned by all. I felt like I was on a large ship and had fallen off and was out to sea on a small raft. The cord had been severed and no one was even aware of how far I had drifted. It was just me now and the big moon.
I began to get up in the middle of the night and have a glass of my now abusive lover and look at the moon. I said night after night, “God if you are up there, really up there, please have mercy on my soul. I don’t want to die like this.” I can’t quit because this had become my mental pain medication as well. My only escape if you will. I was totally like a plug that was completely unconnected.
I kept talking to the man in the moon in the wee hours of the morning, night after night and watching the sun come up. I was usually drunk by 6 or 7 p.m. anyway, so it was easy for me to wake up around 2 or 3 a.m. One day, I went to Walmart and I had taken Pilates before with a lady. I asked her if she was in the class and she said that she was taking Yoga at the hospital with a lady whom I was friends with a while back. I thought that was interesting. I happened to be half sober that day for some reason. She said that the class was being held that day. I thought, “What the heck? I’ll go.” So, I went. I liked it. It made me feel good about myself for the first time in years. They were playing with the yoga positions. Then when they were finished, they had final relaxation on their little mat. It reminded me of when I was in elementary school in my young years and we used to lie on our little blankets and have a little rest time. I never went to sleep, but I enjoyed the little rest with the lights off.
I connected with another friend whom I had known when I was teaching school. I was on a binge with Chardonnay, and I called her. I felt like everyone in my circle knew that I drank, so why not test her and see her run as well? I was very upset about something. I was totally plastered and called her or she called me. Anyway, I asked her to come and get me. I couldn’t believe that she came and got me. Not only did she come and get me, she lived an hour away, but she picked me up, took me to her beautiful lake house, and let me spend the night. When I awoke the next morning, I thought that I had died and gone to heaven because the scenery was so surreal and breathtaking. She told me that God showed her my spirit, despite my drunkenness. She listened to me.
For the first time, I drank and was able to talk about my feelings. I could tell her how I felt about things and she listened. I told her how ashamed I was, and full of guilt and pain from all of my life’s circumstances. I had only had condemnation from everyone, but she was there. She saw beyond my grave of despair and believed in the God in me which I thought had abandoned me in my darkest hour. That was a major turning point. I knew that I had been praying for God to send me someone, something, anything to show me that he was there. He used yoga and a couple of friends to show me His love for me.
I still could not help myself. Alcohol had taken over my whole being and it became the only thing that I thought about morning, noon and night. It was still my reward and my everything, even my best “friend”. But, gradually, I began to look at this “lover” in a new light. He was not as beautiful as he once was. As a matter of fact I looked in the mirror and saw what he had done to me. My eyes were swollen, my face was distorted. In fact, to be blunt I looked and felt like heck! For the first time I saw him as an abusive lover, Satan himself seeking to devour and destroy and suck the very life out of me. I saw him for the first time in his full fury. He was not a lover at all. He was the monster who was out to kill, disgrace me, and send me to Hell. I was already in Hell. I lived daily in Hell. When I realized this, I knew that I was in major trouble.
The lover had become a monster in my life that was out an out of control. I could not believe that God was still out there and even loved me. After all, how could God care for a disgusting drunk that was supposed to be saved and then fell from grace. I was even horrified at myself.
I was coughing up blood; I was black and blue from bruises all over my body. I was ostracized as no one wanted to be around me once they discovered my blatant alcoholism. I didn’t want to be around anyone anymore because even I couldn’t stand to be around myself.
So what turned me around? What happened to me? How did the miracle happen? It happened when I made the simple decision that I could not quit this on my own. I was willing, though, if someone else came along who could deliver me from this spider’s web that I was caught in. I knew that I was in a major fix, and I knew that I could not release myself. I knew that I needed help to be set free. I sought every self-help book on the shelves. I could not go to a 12-step program because I felt like it just was not for me.
I needed something else. Maybe I felt like I was so far gone that I personally needed a miracle. Anyway, I even slowed down drinking. As time went on my teeth began to part. My gums were always bleeding and I was still coughing up blood. So, I went to the dentist as I hadn’t been to a doctor in years of any kind. I thought that the dentist might tell me that he would just patch up some kind of white cement mix in between my teeth. He informed me instead that my teeth were falling out, my front teeth to be exact, because of the last stages of bone disease and gingivitis. He was rude and hard and asked me what he wanted me to do. He said if I would have come to him a year ago he might have been able to save my teeth. He asked me what I wanted from him now. I left horrified and crying. He told me to come in the next couple of days and he would see about pulling my front teeth. I just couldn’t believe it. I thought that I would never play my little recorder again. Little did I know that it was the best thing that could have ever have happened to me.
I went to sleep that night, and I dreamed that I was at a liver doctor, and he asked me the same question. What do you want from me? If you had come to me a year ago I could have saved your liver. But now it is too late. I woke up and realized that at that point it was only my front teeth. I went back to my dentist and his attitude was very different. In fact, I was prepared to let him do anything that he wanted to and I would take the consequences with dignity.
In fact, this was the first time that I felt like I had any dignity in years and years. It felt good. Sure enough, he pulled my front tooth and gave me a bridge. Within a couple of days, I had a beautiful smile again. I went to bed that night with a light heart and grateful for my new smile. I awoke and it was still light outside. I felt a sense of warmth over my being like I was being gently being covered with warm oil inside my body. I felt a love like I had never felt before. I looked up and I saw a grey, bear-like being walking very slowly out of the window of my bedroom. I watched him walk right out the window. I heard quick words come into my spirit, revealing that Satan left my body, soul, and spirit just a subtly as he came in.
I looked into the mirror the next morning and no longer did I see the bloated, bulge-eyed, guilt driven women that I had become. Instead, I saw a soft, kind, forgiving lady. I was healed and looked at least 10 years younger. I was completely healed and delivered from this monster. I was set free. I was in the arms and love of Jesus. All of the books, inspirational writings, and tapes could not deliver me. I had a miracle from God. I am a miracle. Everyone around me could not believe the transformation that took place. There was no doubt as to the healing I received. It was like night and day, heaven and hell, light and darkness. I was refreshed, and born again.
I now realize that the words that Jesus spoke to me about how subtle Satan comes in one’s life, that when that person it totally free, they have the experience like I had to see Satan defeated in his or her own life.
The healing transformation that I received that evening, that born again experience, was also followed by the Lord letting me see a defeated Satan walking out of the window of my life. I was allowed this testimony to humbly reveal the power of Satan when one lets him into your life. He comes in with such comfort, glamour and calm composure. He completely takes over with full destruction like a raging tornado leaving only shattered remains in one’s spiritual life.
When one is born again he is totally transformed and Satan is seen for what he really is, a defeated, grey, bear-like figure walking forever out of one’s spirit. I was a shocked witness to watch him walk out the window of my life; grey, hunched down with his tail tucked in between his legs, totally defeated never to return in my life because Jesus has won the battle. He has conquered death at the cross and He has won the victory in my life and is waiting to win it in yours. Just call upon His name and just say Lord, “I can’t, but I am willing to let you do your work in my life. I will now be still and let you win my battle against whatever raging demon is ravaging my life.”
This is only the beginning of what God has done for me. I would not wish this testimony on any poor soul. I got into a spider’s web with no way out. Jesus broke the web, defeated the spider, and set me free!
I am now willing to share my testimony as God leads. I no longer teach yoga since I gained 11 certifications on my journey, but I teach YAGA. I was uneasy being a Christian teaching yoga because it was so controversial and opened the doors to other avenues. So, I prayed and God gave me the ministry of teaching YAGA – You and God Alone. We come into this world alone and we leave alone into the arms of Jesus. God has also given me a ministry of designing a new line of jewelry. It is called the “Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi.”
The Prayer for Peace
Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light, and where there is sadness, joy.
Oh divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved, as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
St. Francis of Assisi