- Drugs
- Faith
Submitted by Sue
I was born on Christmas Day, 1974, in Danville, Illinois, and I spent my first five years on this planet in Illinois with my folks. When I was six years old, we moved to Orlando, Florida, because my dad got a new job there.
I was the middle son in a family of five: mother Glenda, father Ray, older brother Matt and younger brother Luke. My parents were always very involved in our lives and made sure that we got plenty of attention. I was the kind of kid who didn’t take to playing with toys but rather preferred the adventure and excitement I found playing outdoors. At this point in my life, all was well and I was very happy. My family was very supportive and encouraged me to be the best that I could be. We were very active in the local church, and we were there every time the doors were open. I was always taught that Jesus loved me and died for me, so at the age of eight, I decided to pray and ask Jesus to come into my heart. But I wasn’t in touch with what that really meant. Later would discover what the gospel was all about!
During my early school years, I excelled in sports such as football, baseball, swimming and soccer (YOU NAME IT, I PLAYED IT). I started out playing sports for the right reasons—TO HAVE FUN—but as I look back now I see that I had found a sense of self-worth in my ability to perform. My ability to perform mixed with the approval of others motivated and pushed me to be the best. Soon this idea became the driving force in my life. (“THERE IS A WAY THAT SEEMS RIGHT TO MAN, BUT IN THE END IT LEADS TO DESTRUCTION.” PROVERBS 16:25)
As I moved into my teen years, I was a young man troubled with many false ideas of who I was and what mattered most. I continued to play sports and continued to push myself to be the very best. I had no problem making friends, but I never let them know about my insecurities and fears. I had a hard time with boundaries and found it easy to lie, cheat, steal or do anything to get what I wanted. I had a hard time letting people into my struggles, so I just did what came natural and always just showed my best side and covered up all my shortcomings. This dishonesty alienated me from my parents, my church, and even myself.
The crazy thing about our hearts is that they are so deceptive, but I couldn’t see how not sharing what was going on with me was so dangerous. The thing about deception is that we are believing lies and lying to ourselves and we don’t know it. (Jer. 17:9) I tried to escape the guilt and shame but couldn’t shake it, so I began searching for ways to change the way I felt about myself.
I was exposed to pornography and experimented with alcohol and marijuana in middle school, and I found it to be a whole lot of fun. So every chance I had to party, I did. I found it hid my true feelings, gave me courage, made me feel cool, and helped me relate to girls and the older crowd that I so desperately wanted to be a part of. As I entered high school, I was determined to be popular at any cost and found that I was ahead of the game, or so I thought. Since I was a good athlete, I got involved in several sports: football, baseball, and wrestling. I found acceptance into the whole jock scene and pushed myself to be the very best. I felt like I had found my way to fit in and was looking for any way to gain the approval of others. I surrounded myself with friends who had similar interests in sports, and of course, partying. I continued to hide in extra curricular activities and found them to be a great escape from my true feelings being “less than.”
By this time, I had become so good at masking who I really was that I developed a cocky attitude and began to think that I really had it going on. My studies remained average, just enough to participate in sports and keep my parents off my back. I looked forward to every weekend and to the partying that would take place. I continued to attend the local church and went only because my parents made me. I was becoming rebellious and didn’t like any authority figure who would try to tell me what I could or couldn’t do. After all, I knew what was best for me, it was my life! (Proverbs 18:1 – “Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment.”)
The next three years, wrestling became my main focus and gave me the hope of a bright future. All the while, I was feeding into the false ideas I had adopted in my childhood. MY VALUE as a man was directly connected to my performance in wrestling, the approval of others, my social status and sexual conquest. What a charade. Chasing after the wind.
The summer of my junior year was my introduction to the club scene, which led to the use of cocaine, Ecstasy, and other narcotics. By this time I had began hustling weed to get money and free weed, and I thought that all was well. My family life was good, because I had managed to hide my drug use and partying behind a web of lies.
I thought, “What they don’t know can’t hurt them!” Over the years I had become a pathological liar and was blind to the fact that it was a problem. I would do and say anything to use or get what I wanted. At the beginning of my senior year, as the stage was set for my uprising into an adulthood, everything was falling into place. I was a top contender for the state in wrestling, popular, and had just hooked up with my high school sweetheart.
Little did I know that my world would soon start to fall apart. First thing to go was Heidi. She left me for my dealer, who also happened to be one of my best friends (DEALER & BEST FRIEND). This was a crushing blow, breaking my heart, revealing my hidden insecurities and fueling my drug use to cover the pain. Little did I know that this experience of rejection would be something that had a profound and lasting impact on me and would stay with me throughout my young adult life. When wrestling season rolled around, I was so distracted by my feelings and how I could bury them that I partied right on through the most important season of my wrestling career. The end of the season brought on much disappointment, as I fell short of my expectations of bringing home a state title. This shattered the façade I’d been hiding behind for years. My ideas that my ability and the approval of others would be the secret to my success was over. At this point I was so confused, scared, and lost. I continued to use drugs every day to cover the pain.
Every area of my life was falling apart. My coach had helped me get connected with a few college wrestling teams interested in giving me a scholarship. But I had lost confidence in myself and would let go of that dream. So as the end of my senior year arrived, my attendance had dropped to an all time low, and I almost didn’t graduate. I didn’t care about anything but what I knew best: getting high. After graduating, I decided to turn down the scholarship and go to the local community college. Not long after the first semester had started, I withdrew because I couldn’t even make it to class. By this time my parents were well aware that I had a drug problem, and we were having major problems. I was so angry, and I often fought with my mother as she confronted me about my drug use. My dad got a job in Atlanta, Ga., and my mom couldn’t handle me, so she insisted that I move there or out on my own. So I moved to Georgia in 1993. The geographical change didn’t alter the path of destruction that I was on. I was still holding on to the baggage of fear, failure, and rejection. I still felt empty and needed something to fill the void. So I continued to use drugs to numb the pain. My life had become an endless pursuit of ways and means to get more drugs. I quickly used the social instincts that I developed in my teen years and began to search for the right scene to hustle. This lifestyle that I was pursuing would soon bring on a series of consequences, the first being a DUI and a night in jail.
In fact, it wasn’t long before I got my second DUI and my first felony drug possession charge. This resulted in five years of probation and the loss of my license for one year. I would vow to myself and others that I wasn’t ready to change. So it was only a matter of time before I was back at it again, but this time it got much worse. I had now turned my back completely on the values that I was raised to believe in. I had fully embraced my new identity. By this time my using was out of control. My distorted views of what mattered most led me to believe that I was on my way. I soon got married, bought a house, and began to look for a way out. However, I discovered that I was trapped and that it was impossible to escape from the mess I had created. This discovery caused me to have feelings of despair and hopelessness that led me to contemplate suicide. There seemed to be no other way out… I knew in my heart that I belonged to JESUS, but I wasn’t willing to surrender.
In May 2001, I got busted for selling again. I was convicted and sentenced to five years in prison. To be completely honest, I was thankful. I could clearly see the hand of GOD doing for me what I couldn’t do for myself. I attended a chapel service and knew for sure that I was right where GOD wanted me. (HEBREWS 12:5-8) It was then that I decided to surrender. I immediately put in a request to see the chaplain and received a BIBLE. I found that my heart was yearning for the truth that can only be found in God’s Word. I submersed myself in it everyday.
As time went by, my world outside was falling apart. I lost my wife, my home, my cars, my money, and my identity. But that didn’t matter anymore, because I had found out who I was in Christ. Throughout my sentence I got involved in discipleship, the choir, Bible studies, etc. I had found what I had been searching for all my life! I felt a sense of acceptance that wasn’t based on my ability and that gave me peace. I was sure that God was calling me to minister the gospel. I wasn’t sure how or what that would look like, but I was sure that it would involve what I was going through.
After two years, I was released and was to do the remainder of my sentence on parole. I knew God had a plan for my life and it was time for me to trust Him. I got involved with a church and felt right at home. I got connected with a discipleship group. My church had also started CR, and I began to think that this could be my way of serving to help other addicts. I struggled to find a job and became discouraged. After several months of searching, I finally got a job and was looking forward to going to work. All seemed to be going well, but I made the mistake of contacting some old friends and frequently began to spend time with them, all the while continuing to attend church. Not aware of my vulnerability, I was slipping into old patterns and didn’t even realize it. Next thing I knew, I relapsed. I remember feeling so ashamed and not wanting to let anyone know. I had promised God I would never use drugs again, and I had failed Him.
Over the next several months, my using became more regular. I continued to attend meetings and church but still was using. I knew that what I was doing was wrong and something had to change. Everything was coming to a head. Finally, something clicked and I knew it was time to be done with all this for good. This relapse led me to a new place of humility and honesty and forced me to embrace my recovery wholeheartedly. I got a sponsor who got clean in the rooms of a 12-Step program, and he suggested I go to a 12-Step program and try a variety of meetings. I went to over 300 meetings in my first year in recovery. I also got into a men’s step group to work through the 12 steps of recovery. This group helped me to identify the exact nature of my wrongs and has been a great tool on my road to healing. It was in this group that I experienced the fellowship with the TRIUNE GOD and other men that I had always longed for.
You see, I had heard the gospel thousands of times but never fully experienced its transforming power in my heart until I had a safe place to be vulnerable enough to allow it to penetrate my heart. What kept me away was my fear of rejection and the lie I believed: that if anyone knew the real me and the things I’ve done, they could not and would not ever love me. Here in this step group, God healed me and revealed to me who I was in Him and the plans He had for me. I’ve continued to trust Him to one day see all that I ever wanted in life come become reality. He has fully restored me and blessed my life.
I just celebrated eight years sober this past May, and I can see how depending on Christ has given me many opportunities to share His love with others. My story has provided many platforms for me to share my experience, strength, and hope with other hurting people. First, it started with an opportunity to lead a small group, working with hurting teens. I also got involved serving at a community outreach for local middle school teens. In the next part of my journey, God saw fit to bring wrestling back into my life by way of coaching the juniors program at a local high school. I’ve always had a strong desire to coach, and returning to the mat is a dream come true. NEXT, I began to sense a calling to youth ministry full-time, and through much prayer and counsel, I accepted an internship at my church.
After year one I heard the Lord tell me to take heed to the ministry He had called me to, and as I began to pray, process, dream and get counsel, my ministry was born. I’ve had the blessing and privilege to work with a team of adults to lead the youth 12-Step recovery program at my church for the past six years. GOD HAS DONE GREAT THINGS! Along this amazing journey I also met and amazing woman, Pamela, and we have now been married for the past three years.
This past year the Lord has led me to merge with a local nonprofit ministry. This nonprofit’s mission is to reach the youth by actively engaging them in a multi-faceted relational campus ministry. My ministry has now become a prevention and recovery program, and in 2012, we presented before over 15,000 students and 1000 parents and helped hundreds of youths and families get connected to local resources, treatment, counseling and support groups through the local church. We also had the opportunity to export our ministry’s teen 12-Step group to three churches in our area!
The Lord has been so good to ME! Pamela and I are looking forward to see how God continues to use our lives to bring the gospel of Jesus Christ to all people where we live, work, and play! TO GOD BE THE GLORY!