- Mental Health
My name is Russ. I joined the army at 17 and served for 11 years. I went on operational tours to Bosnia, Iraq and Sierra Leone. I loved the job and the lifestyle and I took on the identity of a solider with pride. It flowed through every part of who I was. After returning from a tour in Iraq, I decided I had done enough and that it was time for me to leave. When I did, it started out well with a good job for a construction company building and refurbishing hotels. Upon reflection, I can now see that this is where I started to slide into a pit of depression so deep that I forgot what the daylight looked like.
Over the next two years, I cut myself off from my social circles both military and civilian until I became a recluse. I did not like civilians. I thought they were a waste of space. I did not like myself because I was now a civilian. I had little to no empathy for people and their issues and problems, thinking constantly that people lived such sheltered lives. As time went on, I started to manifest physical symptoms and was continually in and out of work with different illnesses and injuries. This continued until one day when I could take no more of my job and left.
The next five years saw me sink deeper and deeper and move from job to job and business venture to business venture. About 12 months ago, I almost completely shut down. I was incapable of the smallest task. I would not wash, clean, shave or leave the house for shopping.
I went to the doctor’s office with vomiting and broke down in the office in front of her. For seven years, I had hidden my symptoms from everyone, playing the clown to draw attention from my inner turmoil. This was the first step on my journey to recovery. I was given a phone number, which took me a couple of days to call. Then when I did, the ball moved quickly and soon I was meeting with a veteran’s counselor who was outstanding from the very first meeting. We worked together through some of my problems starting with sleep, which had been something that had eluded me for about 10 years. We took simple steps like taking the TV out of the bedroom. I stayed up late and went to bed at the point of exhaustion since four hours of planned sleep was better than eight hours of tossing and turning in bed. As my sleep pattern got better, I started to feel better. With this in place, I started to plan to do things for myself.
The first thing I planned was a cup of coffee and watching TV for half an hour. This simple thing was much bigger than it seemed. The next few weeks saw me start planning more and getting out more. I joined a gym and took long walks that were planned as time for reflection, giving me chance to work through my issues and process the things I had talked about with my counselor.
We started working on mindfulness, which has had such an impact that I don’t really know what to tell you about it. It was like seeing life in color for the first time. It was my ladder out of the pit. I slowly became more and more aware of who I was and where I was going. I could start to sense the small changes in me that meant the difference between a good and a bad day.
At the moment, I am still working through my issues but I am feeling better every day with no small thanks to the use of mindfulness and the self-awareness that it has brought me. It is hard work to stay positive and not get dragged back down, but it’s worth it. If you want some advice, my only piece would be to admit to yourself that there is a problem and take the first step. There is one last battle to fight, and I don’t intend to lose.