- Alcohol
- Drugs
- Mental Health
I was built and conditioned to be intoxicated. Literally. Some of my earliest memories are in a bar called Reggie’s Too with my dad. My parents had me young and divorced when I was nine, each going on with their respective life and leaving me with little supervision or guidance.
I got drunk for the first time at thirteen years old, at a party Dad was hosting, in our house. People at that party didn’t know it, or maybe they did, but they helped create a monster that night. By seventeen, I was drinking a fifth of whiskey a day, with no inkling of suspicion that that may not have been normal. I got in the usual small-time trouble, a DUI at nineteen, a PI some other time I can’t remember, etc… I escaped any real consequences for my actions and cruised right along for a few years maintaining the status quo. It wasn’t unusual for me to vomit blood…and keep drinking.
I finally stopped on my twenty-second birthday, in December 2004. A guy I knew introduced me to the pain pill industry in February 2005 and given my experience/history with alcohol, a new monster was born. I was up to 50 pills a day in no time and maintained that habit for eight long years, burning down or throwing away everything in my life throughout it all.
I went through phases where I’d try to get off of them, paying lip service to friends and family or doctors and sponsors, just playing the game the way I thought I was supposed to. Multiple hospitalizations and stints in detox didn’t help. Twelve step programs didn’t work. I didn’t understand at the time, but my problem stared at me from the mirror every morning.
Things finally came crashing down hard enough to get my attention in January 2013, when I tried to commit suicide. I woke up in yet another hospital to a doctor telling me everything I already knew, so that wasn’t a big deal, but then I saw my daughter and things started to become clear. I didn’t stop using right away, but maintained an affordable habit, steadily tapering off until May 25, 2013. That was the last time I used.
I began to disengage from any situation I perceived as negative or unhappy in the slightest and tried to fill my life with nothing but good things. It wasn’t hard to see that The Kiddo (my daughter) would be my center, the positive base I should build my life around and I’ve drawn more strength and motivation from her than anything else. She’s so awesome.
These days I’m still trying to accrue good karma through positivity and kindness. I’ve been very active in an online support group for those battling their own addictions to opiates. That’s easily one of the most positive and rewarding experiences I’ve ever had, the only exception being my daughter, Kiddo.
It’s hard to put any message or advice I may have in a concise statement, but if I had to try, I would say this: If you’re struggling, please know that things can get better. I never knew anything but using, it was just a normal way of life for me until it wasn’t anymore. You do have the power to change things, and it can be done any way you want it to. There’s no reason to suffer. May 25, 2013 was the day I started to see that, and it just gets clearer by the day.