- Alcohol
- Drugs
- Mental Health
What were you like?
As many addicts indicate, through most of my childhood, I never felt like I fit in anywhere. This manifested itself in alternating bouts of depression, in which I spoke to no one, and periods of attention-seeking, in which I acted out in order to be noticed. When I discovered drugs and alcohol around the age of 15, those substances seemed like the cure I had been seeking to the problems that ailed me. They melted away my social anxiety, made me interesting and I was never alone with a bottle in my hand. This solution worked for a period of time and then it stopped working and became detrimental. I reached the point where I couldn’t live with it or without it. I became a habitual liar and I lived in an alternate reality of my own creation. I schemed and manipulated to serve my own interests, regardless of who was involved. I became incapable of functioning within society and unable to face life. Alcohol and drugs became my higher power and my best friend, and everything else fell by the wayside and lost all sense of importance to me. I had tunnel vision that narrowed as the depths of my addiction sank lower, and anything that got in my way became an obstacle to be eliminated. Eventually, life in general became an obstacle.
What were the struggles that led you to seek a change?
My drug and alcohol use convinced me that I was simply a bad person long before I became willing to give it up. I couldn’t envision a life without alcohol and drugs. I had long sought other solutions, such as counselors, psychiatrists and anti-depressants, but none of them provided me with what I needed. I was vaguely aware that my using was slowly killing me but I could see no alternative. I believed that it was my destiny and I wanted to help it along, so suicide became my best option. For a while, I lived each day with the idea that when things became too difficult to bear, I could always end it, and I found solace in that. In my mind, that was the only way the chaos was going to end.
What was the turning point for you?
In 2009, I made two serious attempts at following through on that suicide plan. I was taken to the psychiatric ward and placed in a Dual Diagnosis unit for individuals with mental health issues and substance abuse problems. I was belligerent and uncontrollable. For days, I insisted that I didn’t have a problem with using and that I was simply depressed. If they would just fix my depression, the rest would go away.
A 12-step meeting was brought into the ward one evening by two individuals from the outside. I was encouraged to go, and that was my first exposure to the concepts of recovery. In these two people I saw hope. They had a light in their eyes that I knew had been dead in me for a long time. I didn’t want to give up my substances, as they were all I had for so long, but this introduction sparked something in me. I slowly came to the realization I had to try something different or my life was going to be a continued cycle of mental institutions, misery and pain inflicted on myself and those who cared about me. I began to accept that my using was creating my mental illness, and that both conditions fed off of each other in a continuous cycle of despair. I entered an intensive outpatient program through a local treatment center, and that initial spark slowly grew. I went from doubting the ability of these programs and concepts to having gradual faith that they could help me stop using. I saw the dramatic changes these programs had brought about in others and I listened as these individuals who now seemed to be balanced, peaceful people talked about the depths they sank to. They, too, had experienced the misery of living in fear, isolation, self-pity, hopelessness and delusion! Perhaps I could find this new way to live also. I was no longer a bad person trying to get good, but a sick person trying to get well!
What did you do to keep that positive change in yourself?
I had to do things that felt uncomfortable. For years, I had thought that I could solve all my problems on my own if I was just locked up in my room worrying about them. This solution never worked. I learned I had to start talking to people, especially other people in recovery, and making attempts to get honest with where I was at mentally and emotionally. Telling the truth was foreign to me when I came to recovery and took time get comfortable with. But I learned that there was great value to be found in saying things out loud and that a burden shared is truly a burden lessened. As I stuck around in recovery, I no longer found a thrill in pulling the wool over someone’s eyes and convincing myself of half-truths and lies to escape the realities of life. I started appreciating and enjoying life on life’s terms, based on who I truly was and what was really happening. I got a sponsor and worked the 12 steps. I went to meetings, read the literature and slowly established a network of other people in recovery. I sought outside help in weekly counseling sessions. I believe these things ultimately worked because I had reached my mental and emotional bottom and was ready to get honest and letthem help me. My future with addiction was clear: jails, institutions, death. But I became willing to attempt a new way to live. It was not an easy process, but the people around me kept me from relapsing, and as long as I didn’t use, I stood a chance to continue on my path of recovery.
What is life like now?
Life now is real. It is living. For years, I woke up each day hoping someone or something would kill me, because the basic prospect of dragging myself through one more day seemed daunting and impossible. That feeling has been removed from me, and that is a bigger gift than I ever imagined I would receive. The desire to use has been removed, and today I am free. The dramatic ups and downs of early recovery have leveled off. Today I have balance, stability and even serenity. I have had to deal with some difficult and challenging situations in recovery but today I have the resources to handle them. If I feel incapable of handling them, I have a strong network of support within recovery on which to lean and rely. My work with the 12 steps has enabled me to identify my emotions, work on my defects, be mindful of my words and actions towards others and to continually seek contact with and guidance from my own Higher Power. My life has changed dramatically over the course of the last 3 years, and continued involvement in this program ensures continued personal growth, provided that I remain willing to do the work. I am able to help newcomers by giving back what was so freely given to me. During my years of using, I always thought that I would become a blank, boring slate of emptiness if drugs and alcohol were absent. The truth has been quite the opposite. It has only been without those substances that I have found life.