- Drugs
- Faith
I just realized it’s a month until Christmas. Two years ago in December I was on life support due to my addiction. It was thought by many that I wouldn’t be here now, but even that didn’t stop me from using drugs, mostly cocaine. My use actually escalated after I got home from the hospital. I was losing my mind, my heart and my soul. I was lost in the delusional world created by myself and my drug use. I could write a lot about my history of drug abuse, but that’s not what really matters. My life is more about moving forward now.
I got to the point of what I thought was no return. One night after several overdoses I prayed as a last resort. I didn’t know who or what I was praying to, but I said something like, “I don’t even know if anyone is listening, or if you can help me (actually I doubt it), but I need help. I don’t want to die, but I just can’t stop!” I felt something hard to describe after saying that, and things started to happen.
I began listening to my intuition and writing things that spoke truth to me. I was drawn to people and situations that would help me heal. I got close to my three year old granddaughter in a way I never expected and nicknamed her “Coach,” because I started seeing how she was teaching me more about life than I could ever teach her. She was teaching me just by allowing me to spend time with her and observe her innocent way of living and loving and being free. I remembered a wise man I had met several years ago in a meeting and connected with him and started going to meetings. I kept moving forward, even though my heart felt broken after giving up the drugs I had depended on for so long. My boyfriend left me, because, although he had wanted to quit with me, he couldn’t. I thought I’d never get through it.
I felt so alone and remember saying to someone, “I don’t know why they tell you you’re never alone,” because I felt like I really was. She helped me by replying that being alone is where you are not alone. I carried on, and every day something came up that made my life more worthwhile. I still don’t have a full understanding of God, but there’s a song my now ex boyfriend dedicated to me called “The Power of Love,” by Frankie Goes to Hollywood, and that’s what I think God is: The power of love. It’s just easier to say God.
I’ve been clean now since May 2, 2013. I work the 12 steps, and I am not obsessed with using drugs anymore. I don’t always necessarily try to carry a message of recovery, but it just happens naturally. I’m happier than I’ve ever been, and I feel a freedom I never knew was possible.