- Alcohol
There was a time four years ago when I walked into a room of people, and all were welcoming me and telling me how glad they were I was there. I heard them say that I never had to do it alone again, and they would love me until I loved myself. Truth be told, I had no real clue what they meant nor did I understand how from that moment on my life would look and be completely different.
I sat down and looked around the room to see lots of quotes, steps and promises on the walls. I would say it was the promises that caught my eye most: intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us, fears of our past will leave us, we will find a new freedom and new hope. Admittedly, I was curious. As I scanned the room, I saw laughter and joy, sorrow and pain, all mixed with a sense of hope and peace. It was unlike anything I had ever seen, and a part of me felt that this was a home I had been seeking for as long as I remember. I heard someone proclaim, “I was a round peg trying to put myself in a square hole.” This resonated with me, and I began my journey down a road I have never walked on before.
I spent a long time not knowing anything about myself and not knowing who I was or how I felt. I had lots of feelings and opinions about everything and everyone but had no real understanding of what I felt and wanted. If you asked me to describe myself then, I would have told you how I was a mother of two children, I was divorced after 12 years of marriage, I was a rape survivor, I was an adult child of an alcoholic, I was a mother of a child with special needs, I was a daughter of an alcoholic mother and so on. I would rattle those off and see the look on people’s faces saying, “Oh, you poor girl.” There was no emotional connection to what or who I was. These were just the facts of my life. Inside I was more tuned out than ever. I thought that if I truly let any of that affect me I would not be able to carry all the weight, pain and disappointment of it all.
In short, one of the first gifts I received in sobriety was the ability to discover, uncover and then discard years of things. It was in the fourth step that I wrote pages of the events in my life and I was able to feel the pain, cry the tears and truly explore Christina on the inside. I could see how each thing was connected or not connected. I learned how to express my feelings without blame or fault. I was able to look at my involvement, if any, and see that there could have been different ways of handling the situation or event.
This leads me to my next gift: choices. Now that I was getting familiar with who I was as a person, I was learning about me on the inside. I was able to see that I had choices in situations. I had a choice if I was going to drink that day or not. I had a choice to do the work, do the steps, got to meetings and talk to my sponsor or not. I had a choice if I was going to hide behind all the stuff I had been through or if I was going to step out and find my voice and choose to learn and grow.
Next came a sense of peace. I had a feeling of calmness in the midst of anything and everything that was going on. I had a sense of peace and I just knew that sometimes standing still was the best thing. I had never in my life done that before. I was always moving or going on to the next thing or running. Looking back, I was trying to out run myself. I was doing everything I could to get away from me and all the things associated with me. In the end, there was nowhere else to run, and I was the common thread in everything. I had to choose to stop running, start working on myself and finding different solutions than before.
My next gifts came over time: hope and freedom. I learned a whole new perspective on life and saw for the first time that it was not all about me. Outside of me, there was a world of people who had it just as hard as I did. I learned that when I step out of myself and into service I am not thinking of myself at all and begin thinking of others. That is the true gift of being there for someone else, pouring coffee, greeting someone at the door or leading a meeting. I discovered to be humble and thankful for an opportunity to serve a need other than my own. These small things made a big difference in how I faced my problems. I met my Higher Power, who I call God, and saw that I could feel an inward light inside me. No matter what my eyes see, I can always turn to this power. How amazing is that? Not only was I never to be alone again, I could also trust that, if I listen and let this power guide me, I never had to be fearful. I had a new freedom and new hope, and this was now my guide and gauge of how I was doing, instead of my feelings and circumstances.
Now four years later, I am remarried to a wonderful loving man. I have a baby girl who is 14 months old. I have a relationship with my oldest daughter who is 17 years old and is blossoming into her life. I have a son who is starting high school and, despite what doctors told me, is accomplishing major milestones! Yup, life is busy. Life is messy. Life is hard and even painful at times. But what I have now is a program, principles and guides to handle all of my life’s situations. That is the true gift. I have these gifts that live in me now and are a part of me just like my arms and legs. These gifts are daily reminders that I have choices, freedom, hope and a power greater than myself to soar to the highest mountain and continue to learn who I am. I can enjoy me and enjoy all of me. I continue to see miracles in my life. The miracle and power of this program lies in the dreams and desires in our hearts and the power to live a life unknown to us. That used to be a life I was very busy trying to run from!