How Should Recovery Affect Your Relationships?

Posted on September 26th by Jordan | currently 5 commenting

Alcoholism and drug abuse is a world-wide epidemic that doesn’t just vanish when a person makes a decision to change his way of life. Although a person may have chosen a new way of life for himself, there are still millions of people struggling with the same issues the person in recovery is seeking refuge from. Anyone currently in recovery for an addiction can tell you that they didn’t change until they wanted to change. Families and friends can beg and plead until they are blue in the face, but the overwhelming majority of the time, the change doesn’t take place until the addict is ready to make a change on his own. Knowing this, the question for the person in recovery becomes, “How should I interact with someone who is still living the type of life I am trying to get out of?”

Once the person in recovery chooses his new way of life, there can be a lot of mental debate on this subject. Some individuals will completely cut off ties with people who are still active in their use. Some individuals will go out of their way to preach their new way of life to people who haven’t made that choice on their own. This is a very sensitive topic, as everyone in recovery will likely encounter this situation at some time.

There is not a cookie-cutter approach to dealing with this situation. It depends on the specific individual. Some people must cut off all ties in order to keep from slipping back into their former way of life. Other people continue to associate with the still-struggling person on some level but choose not to engage in the same activities as that person. In my personal opinion, a person should not be faulted for choosing either direction. It’s not as though there is one set way that is right and one set way that is wrong.  Choosing the path that feels right for the individual is where the debate comes into play.

Many people in recovery resist cutting off ties with friends or family members who may still be actively drinking or using drugs if the relationship is built on things other than using.  They may still try to keep in contact with them, but on a different level. If the relationship has been built solely on using, it may be best to cut off all ties for a time. Cutting off all ties can be a better approach than trying to convince someone to change who is unwilling. Preaching about the dangers of alcohol or drugs to a person actively involved with them typically does not yield good results. Alcoholics Anonymous says, “A spirit of intolerance might repel alcoholics whose lives could have been saved.” (pg. 103)  No one wants to feel as though they are being condemned by someone who was once just like them.

My personal stance on the subject is to stay engaged with these people as long as it doesn’t affect my sobriety. I think the people who knew me when I was in the midst of my struggles can see the progress this new way of life has lead me to. Romans 15:7 says, “Accept one another, just as Christ accepted you.” (NIV) Accepting people doesn’t mean you have to approve of all their actions, but that you accept them for who they are. I know a lot of people who do things I don’t necessarily agree with, but knowing that no one is perfect helps me keep things in perspective.  An open door to a non-judgmental person can be something that helps someone make a change when he doesn’t know where to turn. What is your stance on this subject, and what is your experience with it?

Comments (5) Tags:
  • Adventure V

    There have been phases in which I experienced various types of friends and relationships. Relying on how I felt during that point in time dictated my discernment of what kind of people I invited into my life. I have met some people who no longer use/drink that are more adverse to my life than some people who drink heavily or smoke marijuana. I trust my intuition and I believe that God places me in certain situations in order to be of service at any given moment; it’s what I agreed to when I turned my life and my will over and I don’t take it lightly. Like you said, it’s up to the individual to figure out, and the only real way of knowing is to experience it! Great topic Jordan! Love and Light, AV

  • Michael

    Good job, JY. When I left treatment, I decided to say goodbye to all except one, a cousin. The day I was released we spoke on the phone and this is exactly what he said, ‘I’m so glad your doing good, cuz! We need to go have a drink sometime!’ I was blown away. The lesson in this? Some people don’t get recovery, whatever the reason. It’s safely and soberly identifying those people that has been tricky for me at times. Luckily, however, my sponsor has 15 years sobriety and I trust him. If he says hanging out with an old friend is a dumb idea, nine times out of ten, I don’t test it. When he’s not around I consider the qualifications for going anywhere in the book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Beginning in the last paragraph on pg 100 and reading through pg 102. Ending with, ‘Your job now is to be at a place where you may be of maximum service to others, so never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful. You should not hesitate to visit the most sordid spot on earth on such an errand. Keep on the firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed.’ But we must pass the test in the preceding paragraphs, first.. LOVE that part of the book!

  • Jordan Young

    Great input, Michael and Vanessa!

  • Sue

    As always another thought provoking post, Great one for the family and friends of those in recovery to ponder on. Thanks Jordan

  • Brandon

    Great topic and blog. I think it is great to try and help your old friends and stay in touch with them, but you also need to be around people that inspire you to be better. As Jim Rohn said, “You are the average the of the five people you spend the most time with.”
    Excellent job on another outstanding blog.